Thursday, December 16, 2010

Top 10 Review Blurbs for the Novel I Haven't Written

(I have been sick and am steadily getting sicker. I had meant to post a review of the graphic novel Swordsmith Assassin, but I'm just too groggy to think and think it's best if I rest. Rather than break my promise of having content here 5 days a week, I have re-posted what I think was one of my funnier lists from my old Top 10 list blog, List SMASH! This list is also fitting, I think, because it's a list about a novel I haven't written to replace a review I haven't written, and in fact it's also about reviews. Freaking genius.)

Top 10 Review Blurbs for the Novel I Haven't Written

10. "Martin weaves the mythic elements of his story with the mundane and personal so seamlessly, it makes me want to shit." -Publishers Weekly

9. "I'm glad I don't have to read this out loud because I can't pronounce his name." -Newsweek

8. "This book is so good, we might just let him in if he stops doing that shit with those hookers who dress up like Cheetara." -Jesus

7. "Before reading this novel, I would never have thought so many references to Hitler, breasts, and the Incredible Hulk could say anything meaningful about childhood hunger. But Martin makes it work. God knows how, but he makes it work." -Booklist

6. "The book is so phenomenal, I bet every woman Mick ever wanted to have sex with who DIDN'T have sex with him - or dumped him - feels really, really sorry about it. They should probably write Mick a letter saying so. With nude pictures in a vain attempt to correct their error. And little wet marks where their stupid tears rained down on the paper." -Kirkus Reviews

5. "The world Martin creates - using both familiar pop culture icons and more autobiographical elements - says something about America that is important, timely, and yet ironically dealt with such matter-of-fact apathy that the reader must work that much harder to see beyond the more romantic elements which, while satisfactorily distracting, are like a big and ugly noise drowning out a prophetic songbird." -Dog the Bounty Hunter

4. "Glub. Bubble. Glub Glub." -Aquaman

3. "Mick Martin? Pfft. More like Mick MOTHERFUCKING Martin!" -Christian Science Monitor

2. "Monkeys. Heavy Metal. Fishnet Stockings. Macaroni and Cheese. Genius? Maybe. Maybe not. But someone published it, and that says something." -Christopher Lee

1. "I could've been fucking. But instead I read this book." -William Shatner


Chris said...

From The Labyrinth Library Podcast:

Mick Martin is the man who put me out of a job. How can I review anything else except in the light of the masterpiece he has produced? Try as I might, I can't come up with any review that is more accurate and informing than, "Not nearly as good as Mick's book, the bastard."

Ah well, back to selling my body, I suppose.

Unknown said...

" Ohhh....ohhh....MICK MARTIN!!!!!!!!!!!! "-- Entertainment Weekly