Tuesday, March 26, 2019

Skyrim proves Dwarves are better than Elves

I've been playing a lot of Skyrim lately because as a cutting-edge gamer, I just won't play it if it's more than eight years old. Tonight, while strolling through the Dwemer ruin of Mzineceuheffe-or-whatever with my lovely digital wife Jenassa, it occurred to me that Skyrim is yet more proof that dwarves are totally better than elves.

As any Skyrim player could tell you, of the 10 playable races in the game about 563 of them are elves. You can play a cat, a tadpole, a few different kinds of humans, and one of 948 different species of elves. You cannot play a dwarf in Skyrim, however that doesn't stop that swarthy people's presence from being felt in the game. Dwemer, or dwarves, are extinct in Skyrim but the ruins of their vast underground cities can be found all over the ancient land; just waiting for an adventurer to crest a ridge, spot the instantly recognizable towers of a dead Dwemer city, and say, "Oh f--- another f---in' dwemer thing." The steaming, gear-filled dungeons are patrolled by magic robots, still guarding their master's shit after they've been dead for, like, forever basically.

Well great Mick, you scoff. So how does that prove dwarves are better than elves? Well I'll tell you, you scoffing scoffmaster from scofftown.


That's right. Even though the ignorant, goat-farming bigots of Skyrim call the Dwemer "dwarves," they weren't. The Dwemer, as one of Skyrim's many loading screens will tell you, were one of the 3,403 species of elves. They weren't even short. They were just as tall as all the other filthy elves.

Which means Dwarves are so f---ing awesome, the elves of Skyrim couldn't survive without them. They actually had to get together and MAKE UP a dwarf race, even though they weren't really dwarves. Of course, we can't prove that because they're all dead. How convenient.


Dwarf ruins are filled with magic robots so resilient they're still working today, millenia after their creators died in whatever filthy elf way they died.

Also, the full title of Skyrim is Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim. Do you know where you find the Elder Scroll when you play Skyrim? Not in a shopping-mall-sized tomb filled with viking zombies. Not in a ruined castle where a bunch of bandits are hanging out so they can support each other in walking back and forth in predetermined paths. NO. They put the Elder Scroll -- THE NAME OF THE SERIES -- in a Dwemer ruin. Because that's were all the coolest shit is.


How does this help to prove dwarves are better than elves? Well, we already established that the Dwemer weren't really dwarves, but just dead elves no one can prove were not dwarves, and so elves retroactively assigned them dwarfness because they knew their game was balls without some kind of dwarves. And what happened? It killed them all. That's right. Elves are such shit, that when they infected an entire race of dwarves with elfness, it just wiped out all the awesome dwarves -- like introducing the cold to a species that was too awesome for illness, so it hadn't built up a defense.


You can play f---ing anything in Skyrim. You can play a cat or a lizard. You can fly on the back of a dragon. You can play any and all of its 673,000 elf species. But you can't play a dwarf. Dwarves are too awesome for Skyrim. Kind of like how in old biblical movies, if Jesus showed up they would never show the actor's face because the studios didn't want to suggest than any single actor could portray Jesus. It's just like that. Bethesda knows dwarves are too awesome and don't want to offend dwarf fans by putting them in their game. Dwarves are the Jesus of Skyrim.

Wednesday, August 29, 2018

The Ballad of Assface John

Someone pissed me off today. Let's call him "Assface John."

For most of the last year I have been writing- primarily about comics and comic book movies - for actual honest-to-Hulk money. I love it, I am insanely grateful for the opportunity, and can't wait to do more. 

Today, shortly after posting links to my latest feature article about why certain actors no longer appear in MCU flicks, I received a passive-aggressive and insulting instant message from an acquaintance. Here it is. 


Isn't that considerate of him? He likes what I do "to a certain extent." Awww.

And it's SO NICE of him to let me know that interesting things are going on in comics! I only spend about $300 on them per month. So it's refreshing to get a more informed view of things. 

Since Assface John was clearly a big fan of top 10 lists, that's how I chose to respond. 

He did write back and, as I predicted, was so confused about how I could possibly consider his initial message insulting in any way. And then he was blocked. Farewell, Assface John. Don't forget to wipe.

Monday, August 21, 2017

Defenders is kinda crap

Since it was first reported - before even the release of Netflix's Daredevil - that the different Marvel Netflix shows would culminate in Defenders, a pure fanboy piece of me groaned. I'm a fan of the original Defenders comic book series, and that team was nothing like the Bendis-wet-dream this version was. But as time passed and the first two Marvel Netflix shows - Daredevil and Jessica Jones - proved their worth, I could begrudgingly admit something cool might be in store at the end of all this and even the disappointing first season of Iron Fist didn't spoil my hopes.

After watching the first season of Defenders, I am unpleasantly surprised to say my inner fan boy has been vindicated.

Defenders isn't bad. It has great acting talent and some fun, gripping action scenes. But it's a square peg in a round hole. It just doesn't work.

What resonates about the best of the Marvel Netflix seasons is that they are far more than super-hero stories, or far less depending on how you look at it.  Strip away all the super crap and there's still powerful stories there. Daredevil is about a man fighting his inner demons. Jessica Jones is the story of a woman surviving horrific trauma. Luke Cage is about redemption and investing in your community. Iron Fist may even be about something worthwhile, but it was too much of a ball of crap to make the effort thinking about.

But Defenders...Defenders is about Defenders. Defenders is about hey-they're-all-together-now! Defenders is Avengers without all the fun. Defenders is just another f---ing super-hero story. It doesn't have the disarming believability or raw emotional power of Daredevil and Jessica Jones. Just super people doing super shit in a super way.

And, you know, I can't help but wonder if it isn't because unlike most of the Marvel properties that have been adapted, Defenders just comes from vapor. It has no foundation in the comics. There is no source material. Yes, all four characters exist in the comics, and yes there has - on and off - been a super-hero team called The Defenders. But these four characters have never existed in this way, and the Defenders of the comics were never anything like this.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying if Marvel Studios had given us a TV series that featured the Hulk, Doctor Strange, and the Sub-Mariner fighting a techno-wizard named Yandroth (the origin of the team), that this would have given us a powerful yet fun super-hero thrill ride.

I'm saying that the best of Marvel's adaptations are rooted in the source material. Sure, there are many differences, but there's always something, some connective tissue between what's in the comics and what's on the screen.

This Defenders had no source material. Sure, there's a comic out NOW with this team, but that only happened because the series was already planned. This team has no soul. No foundation. This team is the outcome of someone asking Brian Michael Bendis "Who would your Fantastic Four be?" And they slapped the Defenders name on it because it wasn't being used anywhere else yet.

I am looking forward to the third season of Daredevil and the second season of Jessica Jones. I am cautiously optimistic about Punisher since Jon Bernthal was one of the best things about Daredevil's second season. But if Defenders or Iron Fist have second seasons, well. That's what owning books is for.

P.S. I cannot stand Netflix's Danny Rand. And I mean it how I say it. I have no issues with Finn Jones. I just find the version of Danny Rand they've chosen for the Netflix shows - the no-sense-of-humor Captain Destiny Danny Rand - annoying as hell. Ironically - despite all my talk of being faithful to source material - this Iron Fist is quite accurate in regards to his earlier stories, whereas the hero I grew to enjoy was the much later and much less ass-clenched version written by Ed Brubaker and Matt Fraction in Immortal Iron Fist.

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

Shut Up and Take My Money 3/22/2017: Trump and Night Vale

So my girlfriend sent me news about a book yesterday that immediately made me think, "Shut up and take my money." Then, just this morning, I saw a link to a graphic novel which inspired the same response. In the hopes that the future holds more of these moments of blissful anticipation and dreadfully involuntary money drain, I decided to make a tiny little feature of it. I welcome you to today's brief edition of...

First, it just so happens that I am on the last 50 pages of the Welcome to Night Vale novel by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Cranor, so it can't help but feel a little portentous to learn a second Night Vale novel - It Devours! - was recently announced for release this October.
And just this morning I was lucky enough to read the announcement that Eisner award-winning Shannon Wheeler has created a graphic novel of illustrated Trump Tweets: Sh*t My President Says
I will be pre-ordering both books, like, yesterday.

Wednesday, March 15, 2017

Band Name Ideas March 15th, 2017

3. Butt Dust

Date: 3/8/2017
Source: From Jen R., who found it on the Captain Grammar Pants Facebook page.

4. Cerebral Scandinavian Comedies

(I cannot even begin to figure out what picture to use for this)

Source: A disturbingly specific category recommended to my girlfriend by Netflix

5. Bug Army

(This image is from the anthology comic Cinema Purgatorio #8 published Avatar Press; specifically from the strip A More Perfect Union by Max Brooks and Gabriel Andrade)

Source: My girlfriend describing the gathering of Boxelder bugs in her apartment.

6. Disruptive Kisses

Source: My girlfriend describing how my kisses always tend to change the subject (awwww).

6. Evil Ratbird

(This image is from some damn DC comic; probably a Batman one)

Source: My description of what bats look like during a discussion with my girlfriend regarding why people are freaked out by bats.

7. Honking Bobos

Source: A term my girlfriend created to describe sex. Nope. Really.

Band Name Idea list amassed since March 8th, 2017:

Drugged-Up Government Bear
Butt Dust
Cerebral Scandinavian Comedies
Bug Army
Disruptive Kisses
Evil Ratbird
Honking Bobos

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Mick's Choose-Your-Own-Review: Doctor Strange & the Sorcerers Supreme #6

By Robbie Thompson and Javier Rodriguez, et al.
From Marvel
$3.99 USD

Doctor Strange & the Sorcerers Supreme #6 is written as a choose-your-own-adventure story.

If you think this is awesome, click here.

If you think this is stupid, or if you think this is cool but does not necessarily reach a level of creativity or quality which you would define as "awesome," or if you think that the word "awesome" has been corrupted to refer to quality when it was originally meant to be something that literally inspired awe and so resent the use of the word in this context in general, or if you feel completely neutral, or if you just think the lone fact that Doctor Strange & the Sorcerers Supreme #6 is written as a choose-your-own-adventure story is not enough to make an informed opinion, click here.

Monday, March 13, 2017

Single Issue Voter - Royal City #1

By Jeff Lemire
From Image
$4.99 USD

I had no fucking clue Jeff Lemire could draw.

I had no clue because I came to Lemire's career like a punk, like a jerk, like everything else Robert Deniro's character will call you before he cracks your head open with the bottom of his boot. I know Jeff Lemire only through his more recent work at Marvel; specifically the impressive series Old Man Logan and Moon Knight. I suppose those titles should've been enough to let me know Lemire might be just as talented with drawing, since the visuals in those books are compelling enough that even the guy who just wrote the script had to know a thing or two about how to make things look.

Royal City #1 opens up with elderly Peter in his kitchen. Peter's nagging wife chases him into the garage where he keeps a hoard of old radios. We think he's the narrator at first, even after hearing an impossible voice come out of one of his radios triggers a stroke, but we're in for a surprise there.

Lemire's drawing style is the perfect companion to his story.  The faces of family we follow around Royal City have an unfinished, sketchy, yet extremely expressive and distinct look. The result is an irony: that while Lemire's renderings are less concerned with hiding the reality that they're drawings, their non-style expressiveness makes them seem more real than the comparatively sleeker and more carefully inked geriatric Wolverines or Egyptian themed crime-fighters of Lemire's Marvel work.

I am hesitant to say too much about what we know so far regarding the story of Royal City for the sake of aoviding spoilers.  Suffice to say, all the members of the scattered family we meet in Royal City live with a common absence that is also a common presence, and there is some wonderful mystery around the nature of this thing. There is, to be sure, a supernatural element to Royal City, but this is no Twin Peaks.  It's too soon to tell, but I don't think we'll be seeing any séances or battles with Lovecraftian cult members or anything like that.  I don't think anyone's going to find a hatch with numbers or a little dancing man in a Black Lodge.  Royal City feels like, first and foremost, a very human story about a family that has been in quiet agony for decades, and it's a welcome addition to my pull list.

Single Issue Voter - Astro City #42

By Kurt Busiek and Matthew Clark, et al.
From DC/Vertigo
$3.99 USD

Familiar and new, the latest issue of Astro City gives us the story of Mister Manta: a super-villain marooned on an island after a battle with the aquatic hero Mermaid.  Separated from civilization for decades, Mister Manta has built himself a home on the island as well as an experimental set of rocket powered wings he hopes will get him home and back on top of the bad guy food chain.

Regular penciller Brent Anderson is replaced with Matthew Clark in this issue, and his sharper edges bring a nice change of pace without contrasting too much from the rest of the series, and the same could be said of his more modern sensibility.

The theme of this issue - of a character feeling trapped and coming to question his/her perception of being trapped - is not a new one to Astro City.  Mister Manta's shelter on his island, while constructed from nothing more complicated than bamboo and grass, is more impressive than anything that Gilligan and the Skipper ever slapped together in a hurry. The house is a multi-leveled structure and when we first meet him he is considering adding a new "wing." But soon he pushes aside the notion, opting instead to throw his energies toward his escape. Once opportunity arises however, Mister Manta finds himself questioning exactly what it is he wants.

The theme is a recurring one in Astro City, but Busiek's dressed it in interesting new clothing.

Regular visitors to Astro City will likely be reminded of the villain Junkman from Astro City #10 (from the second volume, published by Image). Junkman wants to pull off one more perfect heist before he retires, and he succeeds: getting away with millions under the noses of Astro City's heroes.  We see the ageing crook relaxing on a sun-soaked beach, but eventually the fact that Junkman's greatest victory was such that no one will ever know about it is too much for the old fool, and he returns to Astro City where he predictably returns to his life of crime and is more predictably captured and put on trial.

Astro City #42 turns the Junkman story on its head. Mister Manta is already on the sun-soaked beach, has been there for decades, and is trying desperately to get home. But once the possiblility to return becomes a reality, Mister Manta doesn't know what to do.

It's also interesting to wonder if maybe Astro City #42 is the answer to the question of why and how so many super-villains have headquarters on remote islands.  Maybe every super-villain is just someone who is A) trapped, B) resourceful, and C) never sure whether or not they want to go home.