Monday, December 20, 2010

The Last Justice League Story

(The Monitor Room inside the JLA Watchtower. SUPERMAN stands a lonely vigil over the countless images flashing before him as MARTIAN MANHUNTER approaches.)

MARTIAN MANHUNTER: Superman, could I have a moment of your time?

SUPERMAN: Absolutely, J'onn. What's troubling you?

MARTIAN MANHUNTER: For one, Plastic Man is still missing.

SUPERMAN: When was our last contact with him?

MARTIAN MANHUNTER: Two weeks ago. We sent him to check out reports of a large rampaging beast in New Mexico. We haven't heard from him since he called from Taos.

SUPERMAN: That's not good.

MARTIAN MANHUNTER: Also, I believe something is wrong with Wonder Woman. She is acting strange lately. Did you notice how undercooked dinner was last night?

SUPERMAN: Now that you mention it--

MARTIAN MANHUNTER: And she let the dishes soak until morning.

SUPERMAN: She had breakfast out on time.

MARTIAN MANHUNTER: The point is she broke an established pattern and that could be a sign of things to come.


MARTIAN MANHUNTER: The morning scalp massages seem much more rushed than usual. As well as the compulsory weekly stripteases. It's as if there's some part of her duties she finds tedious or unpleasant. I attempted to broach the subject while she was mopping the kitchen floor, but she ignored me.

SUPERMAN: Okay. I'll get in touch with the JSA and the Titans to help look for Plastic Man. As far as Diana's concerned, wait until she's cleaning the toilets. She's usually so emotionally exhausted by then she'll agree to anything.

(Later, in the JLA Conference room. Seated at the conference table are SUPERMAN, WONDER WOMAN, AQUAMAN, FLASH, GREEN LANTERN, ATOM, GREEN ARROW and MARTIAN MANHUNTER.)

SUPERMAN: we all agree any future non-Caucasian members have to take a loyalty oath? Great. Now, onto other business. Let's see. Volcano in Tokyo, but they were pretty ungrateful last time and they're still putting out that manga crap, so they can help themselves. Objections? No? Good. Okay. Floods in Thailand, lots of people dying, but again last time we tussled with Gorilla Grodd we didn't get so much as a single Thank--

MARTIAN MANHUNTER: Actually, I did get a thank you card from a nice young boy whose name was. Well. It just sounded silly.

SUPERMAN: (sighs) Okay, uh, Atom. Why don't you take care of that?

ATOM: But I just get small. How can I fight a flood?

SUPERMAN: Right. Okay. Green Arrow, go with him.

GREEN ARROW: Uh, what about Aquaman? Isn't this kind of his thing?

SUPERMAN: Yes, and that's exactly who the flood would expect us to send, dumb ass. Hello? Element of surprise, much?

(SUPERMAN presses a button on the conference table. ATOM and GREEN ARROW disappear in shimmering curtains of light.)

FLASH: Slackers.

GREEN LANTERN: I'm tired of babysitting those creeps.

AQUAMAN: Bubble. Glub. Bubble bubble.

SUPERMAN: Okay, onto more important news. Plastic Man is still missing and we need to find him. Lantern, you're with me. Aquaman, check the coastlines. Flash, sweep the globe. J'onn, continue your telepathic scans. Wonder Woman, tidy up around here, take a gander or two at the monitor if you get a chance, scrub the showers--oh! Make sure you Tivo Sopranos. They're showing the one where they kill that chick with the ass.

WONDER WOMAN: What if there's trouble on the monitor?

SUPERMAN: Call the Avengers or something. Just make sure you record that show. Everyone ready? Once Wonder Woman has our lunches packed, we'll move out!

BATMAN: That won't be necessary.

SUPERMAN: (gasps) BATMAN! You wonderfully mysterious bastard!

(BATMAN enters the conference room with HULK. HULK is wearing Plastic Man's goggles.)

BATMAN: As you can see, I was able to locate Plastic Man.

WONDER WOMAN: Where is he then? And who the hell is that?

BATMAN: Who's who?

WONDER WOMAN: THAT! That big green thing behind you!

BATMAN: You mean Plastic Man?

WONDER WOMAN: That is NOT Plastic Man!

FLASH: Does PMS cause hallucinations?

WONDER WOMAN: Shut up! That is obviously not Plastic Man! He's big, muscular, and green. He looks nothing like Plastic Man.

BATMAN: Ahem, well, Diana you DID notice of course that he's wearing Plastic Man's goggles?

WONDER WOMAN: He probably just killed Plastic Man and took his goggles!

BATMAN: Are you trying to tell me that someone could hide their identity with nothing but a pair of glasses?

SUPERMAN: That'll be the day.

WONDER WOMAN: By Hera, have you all lost your senses? Look at him! He's--

HULK: Hulk thinks stupid bird-tit woman thinks too much.


GREEN LANTERN: Yeah, you know Diana, your ass looks great when you think too much.

AQUAMAN: Glub glub, bubble.


(WONDER WOMAN punches GREEN LANTERN in the head. Her fist goes clean through his skull. GREEN LANTERN's lifeless body crumples to the floor.)

FLASH: Holy shit!


BATMAN: That's the same way Robin #12 bought it.

SUPERMAN: Ah, Christ. It looks like we're going to need a new Green Lantern.

HULK: Hulk like Green-Face's ring, Hulk take--

(The next day. SUPERMAN, BATMAN, FLASH and MARTIAN MANHUNTER enter the JLA conference room to find HULK standing over the lifeless body of AQUAMAN.)

SUPERMAN: Uh, Plastic Man, is that Aquaman?

HULK: Yes, S-man, is stupid Fish Man.

SUPERMAN: Is he dead?

HULK: BAH! How should Hulk know? Hulk made big green fist come out of pretty ring and used it to play with Fish-Man. Hulk played a lot. Then Fish-Man got tired and stopped playing.

SUPERMAN: Oh, man. So. OH! Did you take care of that thing with the space shuttle? Those astronauts who needed help?

HULK: Yes, S-Man. Hulk smashed stupid spaceship.

SUPERMAN: Great! I mean, wait. Uh oh. See, you were supposed to save the ship--

HULK: Yes, S-man, like Hulk said! Hulk smashed stupid spaceship!

SUPERMAN: Oh geez.

MARTIAN MANHUNTER: Well, on the other hand, it's not a problem anymore.

SUPERMAN: But those poor guys. Floating through space for all time--

BATMAN: Just like Robin #33.

SUPERMAN: Maybe Wonder Woman had a point about all this "not really Plastic Man" thing. Where is she anyway?

BATMAN: I sent her to Thailand to recover the bloated, lifeless bodies of Green Arrow and Atom.

SUPERMAN: Please do not tell me--

BATMAN: Nope, I remembered to give her the grocery list.

SUPERMAN: Thank God.

FLASH: You know, we're getting pretty low on members.

SUPERMAN: Yeah, I've got someone coming in later today for an interview.

(Later that day in the conference room. SUPERMAN sits across the conference table from RORSCHACH.)

SUPERMAN: So, you don't have any super powers at all?


SUPERMAN: No magical items or anything?


SUPERMAN: Do you have any special combat or detective skills that would be of benefit to the Justice League?


SUPERMAN: Anything?

RORSCHACH: I like pushing my prey under subways and ejaculating on their mangled corpses.

(Later, SUPERMAN, MARTIAN MANHUNTER, BATMAN, WONDER WOMAN, HULK and RORSCHACH sit around the conference table.)

SUPERMAN: Okay, so Rorschach here is going to be our new Green Lantern. Plastic Man, I take it Flash told you about this earlier?

HULK: Yes, Wing-Head told Hulk. Tried to take Hulk's pretty ring.

SUPERMAN: So, I take it you didn't give it to him.

HULK: Pretty ring belongs to Hulk! So Hulk smashed stupid Wing-Head.

MARTIAN MANHUNTER: Another dead Leaguer?

SUPERMAN: Aw, geez.

BATMAN: Just like Robin #4.

WONDER WOMAN: Don't you all realize what's going on? HE'S NOT PLASTIC MAN! He keeps calling himself "HULK!" He's killed Aquaman AND Flash! He's probably killed the REAL Plastic Man, too! He's--

BATMAN: With all due respect, Wonder Woman, what we need right now is some level-headed thinking, not a bunch of womanly hysterics brought on by PMS! And besides, the timer just went off, our cookies are done, so if you'll just--

WONDER WOMAN: This is NOT my time of the month!

BATMAN: (sniffs in the air) Wanna bet?


(WONDER WOMAN rips BATMAN's upper body from his lower body and hurls it into the wall.)

SUPERMAN: Okay, okay. I think that about does it. Wonder Woman, I'm afraid we're going to have to take you into custody for the murders of Green Lantern and Batman--

WONDER WOMAN: What about him! He killed--

SUPERMAN: And since my powers and Martian Manhunter's powers are too similar to keep reader interest, I think we should officially disband the JLA.

(Later, HULK and RORSCHACH sit alone in the conference room, eating beans.)

RORSCHACH: I like to get a bunch of dogs together, bring them to a rooftop, and keep dropping them off the roof until one of them bounces more than twice.

HULK: HA! Blot-Face Man is funny! Hulk and Blot-Face Man will have fun in new JLA!

RORSCHACH: Want me to see if there's anything on TV?

HULK: Ooooohhh!!!! Turn on HBO, Blot-Face Man! Sopranos is on! This is the one where they kill the chick with the ass!


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