Monday, August 20, 2012

Top 10 Thoughts About Todd Akin

So, clearly I'm a little late to the Fuck Todd Akin party, but I'm trying to wrap my head around a few things.

10. Now, let's say there were anything at all that Todd Akin said that was based on reality. Clearly, that isn't the case, but let's just pretend. If it were true that women had a biological trash compactor that activated in the case of legitimate rape and proceeded to, as Akin's scientific acumen led him to phrase it, "shut the whole thing down." Well. Wouldn't that still be an abortion? Just, you know, self-induced without outside interference (save, of course, for the "interference" of the legitimate rape)? Or if not an abortion, then clearly a naturally occurring contraceptive along the lines of the so-called Morning After Pill?

9.  And if # 10 is true, then what could possibly be wrong about asking a doctor to perform an abortion? Mr. Akin contends that a woman's body is designed to "shut the whole thing down" in the case of legitimate rape. Well, my lungs are designed to process oxygen. If my lungs stop working, then there is no one, I think, on either side of the political spectrum who would argue it would be wrong for me to seek medical attention to correct my malfunctioning natural processes, as well as helping me survive artificially while those natural processes are still on the fritz. So if a woman's Magical Naturally Occurring Baby Ejector stops working, what's wrong with calling a doctor about that?

8. And if #10 is true, and if there is one true God who created us in His image, doesn't that mean it was God who gave women the make-pretend ability to "shut the whole thing down" in the case of legitimate rape?

7. And if # 10 is true, and if #8 is true, doesn't that mean God is pro-choice?

6. And if #10 is true, and if #8 is true, doesn't that mean that God is, in fact not only pro-choice, but in certain cases is just plain pro-abortion? I mean, if a woman automatically flushes any possible baby-making potential in the case of legitimate rape, that means she has no choice about whether or not to carry the baby to term because God programmed the woman's body to either not conceive the baby, or to abort it without her say-so.

5. And if #10, #8, #7, and #6 are all true, doesn't that mean that God does not deem contraception and/or abortion sinful?

4. And if #5 is true, and most - if not all - pro-life movements are based on religious beliefs, are they not in fact, all of them, heretical?

3. And if #10 is true, and a child cannot be born of legitimate rape, does that mean Freddy Krueger and Officer Olivia Benson - both children of rape - are...make-believe?

2. And whether or not #3 is true, isn't it extremely inappropriate for me to make jokes about horror movie characters and crime drama characters while talking about such a serious, controversial, and sensitive topic?

1. And if #2 is true, and whether or not anything between #10 and #3 is true, does that mean maybe we should stop basing our laws, our beliefs, our morals, and how we treat each other on the Land of Make Believe?

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