Crisis on Infinite Bed & Breakfasts

Last weekend my girlfriend and I had a wonderful time in the Berkshires. We couldn't afford a long vacation or one spent very far away, so we opted for an overnight trip.

Because it was its final weekend, we decided to make a visit to the Alex Ross exhibit, Heroes and Villains: The Comic Book Art of AlexRoss, at the Norman Rockwell Museum in Stockbridge, Massachussetts. Other than the art Ross created as a boy, there wasn't much at the Ross exhibition I hadn't seen already in one form or another. But the art from Ross's childhood - including a Justice League made from construction paper and scotch tape and a recreation of the Peanuts characters all as DC heroes -was worth the price of admission all on its own.

After the museum we drove to Lee to check into the Federal House Inn. It was my first stay in a genuine B & B. Our room was the Crabtree Room. It had a television that looked like it could've been someone's desktop monitor 5 minutes before they brought it into the room, a toasty gas fireplace, floors dangerously slippery to anyone barefoot or in socks, a four poster bed we practically needed a stepladder to climb into, and a stand-up shower with the most perfect water pressure. I defiantly declared to my girlfriend that I would shower both at night and in the morning. Caring about it seemed a challenging prospect to her. In the evening there was wine and cheese on the first floor; and for breakfast we were served a tasty fruit salad, stuffed french toast, and maple flavored bacon for which I would fight any man.

Of the images familiar to me at the Alex Ross exhibit, one of the most striking to behold on a museum wall was the cover for the more recent editions of DC's Crisis on Infinite Earths. And it was fun to listen to the commentary from museum visitors who knew a little bit about the comics, but not quite enough. I bit my tongue as three women looking at the picture argued about whether or not one of the twin Supermen was Bizarro.

For some reason, the fact that Crisis was the first of the big superhero crossover events inspired me to begin designing my own Bed & Breakfast. Just as The Federal House had different names for all their rooms, the fusion of the B & B and Ross Exhibit experiences inspired me to mentally construct a bed & breakfast with rooms named and themed after major Marvel and DC events.

The Crisis on Infinite Earths Room would be the largest room in the inn, having been constructed by knocking down walls from four adjoining rooms and merging them into one.

The Secret Invasion Room would be filled with ingeniously disguised furniture. All the necessaries of any home-away-from-home would be there, but you wouldn't know what it was. The lamp would actually turn out to be the bed. The TV would be the complimentary shampoo. The rug would be the envelope provided for cash tips. The toilet would just be a toilet because why be gross?

The Onslaught Room would be reserved for members of a very low-effort version of the Witness Protection Program. Upon the guests' entry to the room, friends and family will be notified of the guests' deaths. In fact, the guests' memories will be erased and they will be spirited away to a completely different land to start new lives. But with the same exact names for some reason.

The Secret Wars Room would not be a room anyone could reserve. Rather, the best and worst guests from other rooms would be secreted from their beds to the Secret Wars Room to battle for the privilege of naming the items on the breakfast menu.

The Civil War Room would be reserved for combative couples arriving a few months after their promised check-in date.

The Death in the Family Room would be indistinguishable from other rooms, other than that during your stay it would seem horribly important and impacting, but twenty years later you'd realize it really didn't make a difference.

The World War Hulk Room would just strut around and beat up other rooms.

The Our Worlds at War Room would be normal in almost every way, except you will be subjected to a constant voice-over lecturing you about World War II even though nothing you will doing will have anything to do with that.

The Fall of the Mutants Room would not even really be a room, but you'd play along anyway.

The Identity Crisis Room would be filled with fishnet stockings, bondage gear, and buckets for all the incredibly necessary vomit.

The Atlantis Attacks! Room would have the worst bathroom ever.

The Infinite Crisis Room would be stupid.

While coming up with these rooms, it occurred to me that even if I were serious, that my desire to run a B & B would start and end with making up names and themes for the rooms. Once I did that, I would lose all interest. In fact, I already have lost interest. Now I'm thinking about cheese.

I'm lying. Boobs. I'm thinking about boobs.